josh (simply me)

Building Marriages That Last
"The Keys To Being A Godly Husband"
Ephesians 5:25-28 ; 1 Peter 3:7

Intro

Bill Cosby once described marriage as the "one miracle the Vatican has overlooked."
Roxanne Hawn of the Denver Post wrote in a recent article that the three words that strike the most fear into a man's heart are "pop the question."
I've known many men who would agree with the two little girls, age 5 and 6, who were playing wedding. Their mother overheard these vows: "You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say may be held against you. You have the right to an attorney present. You may kiss the bride."
Ashley Judd was recently quoted as saying "Getting married is an act of incredible hopefulness."
Men and women bring different perspectives into a marriage. On some levels that's a good thing, because men and women are different, and what they bring to, and expect out of a marriage, will be different. The Bible instructs men and women differently about marriage. Last week, we looked at the Bible's call for a woman to submit to her husband.
The picture that emerged from those Scriptures was of a woman who entered into a relationship with a man, understanding the rules that applied. She was to give herself to her husband as completely as she gave herself to God. In fact, the gift of herself, in love, to her husband, was a reflection of her love for God.
Men, pay attention! A woman is able to give herself to God completely because she trusts, that God loves her unconditionally and always has her best interest and well-being foremost in His mind. A woman trusts God with her life because she believes that His purpose is her perfection.
So a woman looks for a man that is strong and nurturing, who she can love completely and who will create the ideal environment of security and affection for her to live in. Now, fast forward to what a man looks for in a marriage: someone who can cook naked! Seriously, the needs that men enter into a marriage looking to have met are far different that a woman's. The difficulty in marriage often comes from a man's inability or unwillingness to see his Biblical role as a husband being more than a hunk for his woman to love and cook for and clean up after.
Just as the Bible commands that a woman submit herself to her husband, the Bible instructs husbands to be sacrificial, as they give themselves completely to their wives.
"Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her." Ephes. 5:25 (NIV)
"As Christ loved the church." Men are to have the same kind of love for their wives that Jesus has for His church --- namely, that He gave, not just OF Himself ?. But He literally GAVE Himself for the church. And an amazing thing emerges from a study of God's word. Just as last week revealed that submission in real life will meet the needs that men have ?. When I studied what the Bible says about husband sacrificially loving their wives, it looks very much like what women want and need from men.
So what does Christ-like love from a husband look like towards his wife? What is the key to being a godly husband?
A Godly husband will have his wife's best interest in mind.
The command to love your wife as Christ loved the church is given substance in the 2 verses that follow it.
to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word, and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless. Ephes. 5:26-27 (NIV)
Why did Jesus love the church sacrificially? So the church could become radiant, without stain, wrinkle or blemish. Jesus dies for the church, Jesus loved the church, so that the church could be all she could be. Husbands should approach marriage with the same goal! A godly husband will create a hothouse where his wife can grow and flourish. My job as a husband is to create the space, to create an environment, where Robin can be the all the person God created her to be.
What does that mean? I really think this is an attitude issue: men need to get over themselves and be reminded that their wife is a person. Does a woman need a man to give her a sense of worth? Does a woman need a man's help to develop into a fulfilled person? Is a man's assistance necessary for a woman to be whole and complete? The answer is NO! But, the beauty of marriage is that God intends for men to act in such a way that makes those things more readily possible. Not because a woman is incapable of reaching wholeness in life without a man - but because his nurturing of her personhood is a demonstration of genuine love.
For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior. Ephes. 5:23 (NIV)
Men, God's instructions on marriage are not just about what you do - it's about who you are! The most common marital mistake men make is to view this verse of Scripture as God's designation of superior worth. It's about me! I'm in charge! I'm the head of the house!
(ill) Don Shula was the Hall of Fame coach for the Miami Dolphins for over 25 years. Once, when he and his wife were vacationing in Maine, they decided to go to a movie. As the two of them entered the theatre, the small crowd began to applaud. Shula whispered to his wife, "Amazing, theey even know me here in Maine." "I guess so," his wife replied.
One man even approached the Shulas. "I am so excited that you are here. Thanks for coming."
Don Shula was flattered. "We're just happy to be seeing a movie. But I was surprised that you recognized me so quickly."
The man looked puzzled. "Oh, are you somebody? I was glad to see you because the manager said he wouldn't start thee movie until 10 more people got here. You two made 10."
T/S; For whatever reason, we men tend to think the world is about us. Marriage is our ongoing exercise in being reminded that it is not! The designation as head of the house was not Godly permission to sit in the recliner and order coffee, it was Godly responsibility to make it possible for the woman you married to be the woman God wants her top be.
How do I know that? Look at how this passage in Ephesians continues.
In the same way, a husband should love his wife as much as he loves himself. A husband who loves his wife shows that he loves himself. None of us hate our own bodies. We provide for them and take good care of them, just as Christ does for the church, Ephes. 5:28-29 (CEV)
Listen carefully - provide for and take good care of your wife. This is much more than groceries and house payments. Because the goal, we've already seen, is to allow her to be radiant, spotless, without blemish. I don't know about your house, but the mere fact that we have groceries for Robin to cook me supper with, doesn't prove my love. Men are to provide and care for their wives, in what their wives need.
It occurred to me that this is the heart of love - the reality of being a good and godly husband. Making your wife be Number 1. Making your wife feel like she is Number 1. Living day to day with a devotion to her that allows her to know that you would cross any river, fight any predator, make any sacrifice -- that you would do whatever it took because she is your first priority.
As I gathered all the Scriptures that address husbands' actions towards their wives, I came up with a list of things we men are supposed to do. A nice list. But it's a stale list, if those were the things that were supposed to make happy, healthy marriages. Then it hit me - Christians are told to DO a lot of different things in the Bible: feed the poor, go to church, pray, be kind to strangers, etc., etc., etc. But Paul says if I do all of these things, and do not have love, I am nothing but noise. Jesus said, that the greatest commandment of all was to love God and love each other.
Marriage falls under this umbrella: being a godly husband is about loving your wife, being good to her and being the kind of man she can admire and love in return. The implication of being the head of the house is that the man has the responsibility - do you hear me? - the responsibility, to be the one in a marriage who loves sacrificially and selflessly, so that a wife can be happy.
In the New Testament, women are reminded that their submission to their husbands IS NOT dependent on his sacrificial love. Sara is given as the example of godly submission, but if we read Abraham's story, he is far from a good husband. Not once but twice, he puts Sarah in a position where purity and sexual fidelity can be compromised. Basically he offers her up as a sexual sacrifice, so that he doesn't get beat up.
This is what we call a negative example, men. If you want to be a godly husband that your wife can admire, don't leave her honor and safety undefended. At the heart of this error was Abraham's obsession with himself. Loving as Christ loves, puts a wife first.
Abraham has another incident that we can learn from. When their childlessness had started to wear on their nerves, Sarah told Abraham to sleep with Hagai. Abraham should have known right then, ?This is not a good idea." He had been married a long time, he should have known better!
Then Sarai said to Abram, "You are responsible for the wrong I am suffering. I put my servant in your arms, and now that she knows she is pregnant, she despises me. May the Lord judge between you and me." Genesis 16:5 (NIV)
In this case, loving his wife sacrificially, meant NOT doing something because the lack of action was in her bast interest. What makes this story so illustrative, is that Sarah apparently continues to submit to and love Abraham, even though he has some major deficiencies as a husband. And in the end, God honors her resolve, and Abraham grows into a man of deep faith who loves his wife profoundly.
In a nutshell, we could say that being a godly husband means loving your wife ahead of yourself, so that you can meet her needs and provide the space for her to be the special and unique person God created her to be. God knew there would be some special challenges we would face in completing this task, and the Bible speaks to some of them.

Love is affectionate.
Let the husband render to his wife the affection due her? 1 Cor. 7:3 (NKJV)
In Willard Harley's book His Needs, Her Needs, a wife's #1 need from her husband is affection. Not sex,men, affection. Demonstrations that you think she's great. Proof in everyday life that you not only put her first because you love her, but you like her as well.
Affection is doing things she like to do. Affection is love pats, and cards that say "I love you." Affection is dates to the movies, and paper plates so there's no dishes to do. Affection is calling home to say you will be late. Affection is holding hands in the mall. Affection is all of the little things that prove there is a big emotional commitment.
Men, guess what studies indicate is the #1 way women measure affection? Conversation. I have learned, after 16 plus years of marriage that a conversation is not "Hey honey, what's for dinner?" Women view conversation as an affirmation of feelings, a means to validate what's happening in their life. That's why women participate in conversations much more readily than do men - because generally speaking, women are more in tune with their emotions than men are. Conversations flow from emotions: not only what happened and what I feel, but why did that happen and why do I feel like this?
Men tend to approach conversations with the Dragnet mentality. ?The facts, ma'am, nothing but the facts." Studies show that on average men speak about 15,000 words a day. Women on average use 35,000. So a man gets home from work, where he's used 14, 500 words (he's got about 500 left), and a woman still has about 20,000 words to use. There's a problem!
And the issue is affection, because a woman takes a man's hesitation or stubbornness to engage in heart-level communication as a sign that he doesn't like her, doesn't respect her opinion, doesn't think she's worthwhile. All of the things that undercut her #1 need for affection. All things that undercut a man's attempt to love his wife sacrificially.

Love is extreme.
Husbands, go all out in love for your wives. Don't take advantage of them. Col. 3:19 (Msg)
Men, showing your wife that you love her above everything else, is not a time for restraint. The Bible says "go all out." Use every resource available to you. In other words, show you wife she's number 1 in a lot of different ways.
(ill) In the movie Sweet Home Alabama, the lead character is taken on a date where she doesn't know where she's going. She opens he eyes to discover that her fiance has rented Tiffany's ? staff and all, for her to pick out her engagement ring. As we watched the movie, all of the girls in my house said " AAAWWW!."
T/S; The idea of a big demonstration of love was appealing to them. I love thee commercial on TV where the man starts yelling in the Italian square "I love this woman.!" Because I think every woman wants to know that her man loves her enough to prove it in a big way .. sometimes even a public way.
I don't think I've ever bought flowers for Robin on Valentine's Day, but every once in a while, for no reason, I send a dozen roses to school. My goal is for other teachers to say "AAAwwww, isn't he sweet! He really loves you.:" My goal is to makee a public show of my feelings for my wife, not because I care if others people know I love her, but because I want her to know that love her enough to let other people know..
Love is understanding.
What does it mean to understand something? To have an intimate knowledge of what makes that thing work. In the context of a marital relationship, understanding means respecting another person enough to take the time to figure them out. It means making the commitment to know what another person's like and dislikes are - what makes them tick. I included 3 versions of 1 Peter 3:7 in your study guide, because I wanted to paint a picture of what's involved in meen understanding their wives/
In the same way, you husbands must give honor to your wives. Treat her with understanding as you live together.
1 Peter 3:7 (NLT)
If you are a husband, you should be thoughtful of your wife. 1 Peter 3:7 (CEV)
The same goes for you husbands: Be good husbands to your wives. Honor them, delight in them. 1 Peter 3:7 (Msg)
Understanding means not assuming that you already know. If you've seen the Bad News Bears, you know what assuming makes out of you and me. Husbands are to invest themselves into knowing their wives. Knowing her needs. Knowing her wants. Knowing her preferences. What's your wife's favorite perfume? Her favorite song on the radio right now? What has she done in the past month that has been most rewarding to her? Most frustrating?
Sacrificial love is impossible without taking the effort to know these things. That's the heart of a relationship: commiting to the value of another person by caring for what matters to them.
Each of you should know how to live with your wife in a holy and honorable way, 1 Thes. 4:4 (TEV)
Every one of our wives will be different, but it is each of our responsibilities to know our wife, and what her individual quirks are. What makes her unique and special. The hard part of this is focusing our energy on someone else. Taking ourselves off the pedestal and putting our wives on it.
(ill) There was a couple driving home one night from a party, and the wife asked her husband, ?Honey, has anyone told you lately how handsome, sexy and irresistable you are?"
"Not lately," the husband smiled.
"Then, what gave you that idea at the party tonight!"
T/S: Men, sacrificial love means that it's not about you. And that only happens when you understand what makes your wife who she is. And you can't do that if you're self-centered.

Love should be faithful.
Godly husbands are sexually faithful.
Be faithful to your own wife and give your love to her alone. Proverbs 5:15 (TEV)
Give honor to marriage, and remain faithful to one another in marriage. God will surely judge people
who are immoral and those who commit adultery. Hebrews 13:4 (NLT)
Even more than sexual faithfulness, godly husbands keep their promises.
You ask why he no longer accepts them. It is because he knows you have broken your promise to the wife you married when you were young. She was your partner, and you have broken your promise to her Malachi 2:14 (TEV)
The bedrock of any relationship is trust, and nothing undercuts trust more than broken promises. Men, the warning is to be careful what you promise (like painting the house before winter) if you can't follow through. Aand if you promisee it, do it. Thee issue is loyalty. Promises are pledges against your love bank, and if your love checks bounce, that is, if you break promises, it will be seen as a betrayal.
?Remain loyal to the wife of your youth. Malachi 2:15 (NLT)
Love spends time with another person.
Enjoy life with the wife you love. Eccles. 9:9 (NCV)
So be happy with your wife and find your joy with the woman you married Proverbs 5:18 (TEV)
Be happy with the wife you married when you were young. She gives you joy Proverbs 5:17 (NCV)
A lot of husbands approach spending time with their wife, like the Boy Scout who was told to go perform a good deed. A while later he returned, bloody and beaten up. "What happened?" his Scoutmaster asked.
"I helped an old lady across the street," the Scout replied.
"That's a good deed," the Scoutmaster said. "but what happened to you?"
"She didn't want to go."
I know a man who bought his wife a table saw for Christmas a couple of years ago. She was not impressed. Often, we men think our wives should be thrilled that we've included them on our fishing trips, football games and forays to the sporting good store. But if you want to show real love, accompany your wife to the mall ?. On Saturday ?. When there's a basketball game on. And go into every store with her. And carry her packages.
Even if that seems extreme .. the principle is, love takes time, and regardless of what thee diamond commercials say, time is really the ONLY eternal gift that we have to give.
Love is full of second chances.
The Lord said to me, "Go, show your love to your wife again, though she is loved by another and is an adulteress. Love her as the Lord loves the Israelites, though they turn to other gods and love the sacred raisin cakes." Hosea 3:1 (NIV)
(ill) Dave Sstone writes about encountering a waitress in a restaurant with a big, bold tatto on her arm that read ?I love Jimmy." Stone noticed the tattoo and told the woman that Jimmy must really appreciate the display of affection. The waitress blushed, and said, "Actually, I've been married to a man named George for over 20 years. Jimmy was my boyfriend in high school.'
Stone laughed, "I beet George loves it then."
"You know," the woman replied. "He hasn't mentioned this tattoo in years."
T/; The Bible says that love covers a multitude of things. It covers old tattoos. It covers temper tantrums. It covers unkind words. And sacrificial love means taking the initiative to cover things that cause division and argument. I really see one of the implications of a man being the head of a house as being the responsibility to initiate resolution in arguments.
Even if your wife has hurt your feelings. Even if your wife is wrong. Especially if you are. Husbands bear the brunt of love. And love forgives. Love covers wrongs. Love gives second chances. And third. And fourth.
(ill) One man was asked how he and his wife had stayed married for 50 years. He said, "I make all the major decisions, and she makes all the minor decisions. So far, nothing major has come up."
I'm kidding men. I'm not talking about weak and wimpy. I am talking about being strong enough to say "I'm sorry." Strong enough to say "Let's work this out." Strong enough to say "It's OK. I forgive you." A godly husband, loving his wife sacrificially, will do whichever of these is necessary so that the relationship is moved forward, using obstacles as stepping stones to greater emotional depth and intimacy.
Conclusion
If we are real honest, we will admit that this is a tall order. Being selfless is hard enough for me to do sometimes. Acting with someone else's interest ahead of mine goes against my nature. That's why the Bible says our old nature is sinful and selfish and in opposition to God's will and way. Being a good husband requires being a godly husband.
Accepting God's love is necessary in order to give that kind of love to someone else.
(ill) Holocaust survivor Ernie Marx wrote of his experiences in a Nazi concentration camp.. Marx wrote that the one thing the Germans were adamant about was that no Jew could look up towards the sky. Looking up, the Germans decided, gave people hope. Marx writes that he saw many people beaten for simply looking up.
T/S; If you want to restore hope to your marriage ? if you want to restore hope to your life ? all you need to do is look up. There is healing in the person of Jesus when we take our eyes off of ourselves and look to Him for guidance and power.
This morning, whether you need hope for your life, or hope for your marriage, I invite you to look up. To look to Jesus.