marriage

How Dissatisfaction with Sex in a Marriage can Destroy The Marriage
She says that when one half of a couple doesn't want much sex in a marriage but the other one does, it isn't just the problem of the one who wants more sex. It's a problem for the relationship, that the one not so interested in sex should take seriously.
She says one reason is that if one half of the couple isn't getting enough sex for their liking, it can make them feel rejected and hurt. It can make them feel unwanted and unloved.
She says a good sexual relationship, on the other hand, not only gives couples physical pleasure, but it can make them feel more emotionally connected and close. It can make them feel more like a couple.
She says that when a couple stop having sex, they often tend to stop showing other forms of physical affection as well, and they can distance from each other emotionally, so they carry on their lives without the closeness they used to have. In fact, they can even stop feeling friendly towards each other. Anger and resentment can build up. The author says she got a letter from someone who described his wife as being cruel to have stopped wanting sex with him, saying he felt as if she couldn't love him any more, and so he'd divorce her if it wasn't for the little daughter they had together.
She says she got another letter from a woman who said her husband hadn't wanted sex in ages, and she felt hurt at having been deprived for so long. She said she felt that in a normal marriage, couples could argue about anything, but then making love could soothe them and it would be like a forgiving ritual where they could make up. But she felt that without it, bitterness and resentment and desperation built up.
The author gives another example, of a couple who came to her in therapy who complained about each other for weeks, and though both wanted to stay together, they seemed more interested in blaming each other for the marriage problems than getting on and solving them. When she finally asked them why they wanted to be together still, the husband said he kept hoping they'd one day be able to recreate the old feelings they had at first where they had a really good love life. Since his wife had had their first child, she'd lost interest in having sex with him. She'd been too tired at first, but the rejection had gone on for years. His wife took the view that he was just being selfish wanting sex when she was so tired and he didn't do much to help with the things she was coping with.
The author says she thought that helping them improve their sex life was the key to them feeling more goodwill towards each other and being willing to solve their problems rather than continually showing bitterness and anger about each other's behaviour.
She says that when one marriage partner wants more sex than the other, the one whose advances are being rejected can jump to the worst conclusions about why their husband or wife doesn't want sex with them. They can wonder if their husband or wife is having an affair, or think their spouse can't be attracted to them any more. They can assume the children have replaced them in their husband or wife's affections so their husband or wife doesn't care about their needs and feelings any more. So they can start feeling suspicious of their spouse, and hurt, angry and rejected. They can feel they aren't loved any more. They can lose their sense of self-worth, because they can lose confidence in their ability to satisfy their wife or husband. So they can become very depressed.
The author says things can be made worse because often, if they try to explain their feelings to their marriage partner, their marriage partner doesn't take them seriously. They might just dismiss what they're saying and think it's only an excuse for them wanting more sex, thinking they must be just putting their own selfish desires first and not caring that they're tired or not in the mood or whatever. They might not see why sex is so important to the other one, thinking they're making a big fuss over nothing.
But the author says that the reason sex is so important to some people is because it's much more than a physical thing; it makes them feel close and emotionally connected to their spouse; it fulfils their desire for affection; it makes them feel desirable, and that boosts their self-worth. It makes them feel as if they feel more of a bond with their husband or wife and more loved and in love.
She says that because people who don't desire sex much don't feel the same way about sex, they can't identify with the way their marriage partner feels, and so they don't treat what they say with understanding. But that can lead to trouble if one partner keeps on feeling rejected, because they can feel increasingly bitter and angry, so they can become unpleasant. And at other times, they can distance themselves, feeling that they're better off doing their own thing since they aren't loved.
The one who wants less sex tends not to understand that this stems from underlying hurt, so they aren't sympathetic, and instead get annoyed with them for their unpleasant behaviour, and arguments increase, each partner blaming the other for the problems. At first, the arguments might be mainly about sex, but as partners feel more and more annoyed with each other, they're less sympathetic to each other all round and so arguments become common about lots of other things.
Because the unpleasant behaviour of the person who wants more sex is making them even less desirable to their spouse, the one who didn't feel like having sex with them much before wants sex with them even less.
So the marriage can get into more and more trouble, and divorce or an affair can seem more and more attractive.
Risking an Affair
The author says it's important that a marriage partner who isn't that interested in sex cares that the other one wants more, for their own sake as well as for the sake of their marriage partner. She says that after a while, the one dissatisfied with the sexual relationship may well be tempted to have an affair, since it can give them a feeling of emotional connection to someone who cares for them, as well as giving them more physical pleasure, and it can build their confidence by making them feel desirable once again. The person they're having the affair with might compliment them a lot and make them feel good, and listen to their concerns and make them feel wanted.
The author says an affair is among the worst things to bear in life for the husband or wife of someone who's been unfaithful. It can cause a loss of trust, and feelings of shock and intense sadness. People can take months or longer to get over it.
The author says she only thinks people need to know this so they know it's important to care about their marriage partner's feelings, in the hope that they'll be spared from unnecessary upset in the future.
She says she also thinks it's unfair for people who don't want much sex to have an expectation that their husband or wife won't get their sexual needs fulfilled elsewhere, while at the same time knowing they're unhappy with the sex life in the marriage but refusing to do anything about it.
Warning About Discovering Sexual Passion for a Marriage Partner Too Late
The author says that often, when one marriage partner loses their desire for sex after having wanted it much more than their husband or wife did before and having spent some time trying to get their husband or wife to have more with them, the one who wasn't interested in it before finds their sex drive is going through the roof all of a sudden. She says that that's typical of relationships, where if one partner's always doing something, the other one doesn't have to bother. For instance, if one does the washing-up all the time, the other one will just take it for granted that they don't have to bother. If the one who was doing it all stops doing so much of it, the other one will feel obliged to do more.
Actually, I would have thought that with sex, it might be more to do with realising what you might be about to be losing out on, since she says that often, when a person who used to want sex a lot loses interest in it, by the time their partner who used to have low desire for sex wants it much more, the other one has lost their will to stay in the marriage altogether because they're so upset at the way things turned out and so they might have convinced themselves they're not in love any more, or they're having an affair.
She gives an example of a woman whose husband said he'd fallen out of love with her a couple of years before. The woman was desperate to bring them closer together again, and felt sure sex would do it. But her husband said he didn't want sex with her any more and told her not to touch him, even pulling away from her. That upset her a lot, especially since he used to be turned on so easily. She started longing to have more sex with him, and discovered that she'd started being turned on by even little things. But he still didn't want to be touched by her. And then he filed for divorce.
The author warns people not to leave it too late in their own marriages, but to do something about it while they can.
The Connection Between Sexual Desire, Sex, and Emotional Attraction
The author says that at times when a marriage partner doesn't feel very emotionally attracted to their partner, they're unlikely to feel like having sex with them.
But she says that people who feel sexually satisfied can begin to feel happier. And when they do, they can become more fun to be around, kinder and more thoughtful, more loving and affectionate, and better at communicating. So the bad feeling in the marriage can fade. So if the partner who isn't that keen on sex starts off by having sex with their husband or wife even though they don't feel like it, it may be that relations between the two partners improve so much that the one who didn't really feel like having sex at first feels like having it more, because their partner's become more attractive to them.
She says that because the one who feels they're having their sexual needs satisfied again will feel as if they're being cared for again, they'll feel like being more caring towards the person fulfilling their sexual needs, since they might appreciate their efforts. They might start sending love notes, or stop what they're doing to pay special attention to their partner talking about something their partner finds interesting. They may well become more interested in their partner as a person, noticing the good things about them more and becoming less critical. They might be more willing to do things they were never keen on doing before to please their partner, like helping around the house more. It'll begin to feel more like it did earlier in the relationship when the marriage partners were much closer.